"It Doesn't Hurt A Bit"

"It doesn’t hurt a bit,” my patient, Maude said when she told me about the technique, called Threading, nearly two months ago. “It’s amazing! It takes four to five minutes, I don’t feel an ounce of pain, and my skin doesn’t react to it at all – it’s all natural and totally fabulous.”

SOLD!

I went the very next day to the mall and walked all the way to the very end, on the lowest level and found the little shop performing this technique called Threading. There was a lovely young woman of Indian descent waiting to greet me.

I assured the nice woman that I needed no explanation or instruction about this all natural, waxless, painless, hair-removing technique, as I jumped in the chair, leaned back to relax, and closed my eyes.

Within seconds, I felt the hairs being ripped violently from their follicles as a silent alarm went off inside my head, “Ooooh My Gooooooosh! What the hell kind of procedure is this?!” My right eye started producing tears at an alarming rate – you know the kind of tears that you can’t control. As freaked as I was, I also felt strong and resilient and knew I could handle this. But my eyes told a different story. They cried, “Ouuuuch! Make it stop!”

This concerned the nice lady, as she stepped back, apologized, and politely handed me a Kleenex. I explained to her that I was not really crying - my eyes just naturally reacted to the violent nature of the procedure. I wasn’t sure she understood me, so I just lied my head back again and waited for her to proceed.

When she finished, I sat up and took a look in the mirror. Not only was I pleasantly surprised by how great it looked, I was also really happy, because she spent so much time on my eyebrows that I was half surprised to see that they were still there.

Even though I found the technique biting and painful, I decided that this was officially going to be my new hair-removing technique. I was so enamored by the simplicity of using cotton thread, two hands, and one mouth to create such precision and perfection, that I reasoned that the pain was worth it.

Today, I headed back to the mall for more fun threading and secretly hoped that today’s experience would be less painful. It was the same lovely woman from last time and she actually remembered me, which either means she has a really good memory ( of her only crying client ), or very few people have yet to discover this wonderful, “painless” technique.

I’m sad to report that my one eye gave me up again today, as tears streamed down my right cheek. I think the first pass or two just shocks my system and my body feels the need to react to the perceived attack, because once she gets going, the tears stop. The pain was less this time, but I’m anxious and optimistic that I too, will get to the point that I’ll be singing the same song as Maude one day, “It doesn’t hurt a bit……..”

Who To Root For?

Wow! What a Superbowl! I told myself I wasn’t interested in watching it, but I couldn’t help checking in. I witnessed the 100 yard touchdown by the Steelers in the first half which got me hooked, tuned in for some Bruce at halftime, and then got distracted by Wipeout on ABC because that show cracks me up! Anything that makes me laugh until I cry gets two thumbs up from me.

I told myself and others that I was feeling neutral when it came to who to root for. It felt odd to say, being a Bengals fan and all – that I would even consider rooting for the Steelers. Yet, I felt like if I didn’t root for them, I would know it was because they took our Carson down and out two years ago and that might mean I was holding a grudge. I don’t want to be the type of person who holds a grudge.

So, I went in rooting for both teams like a girl. As the game really heated up in the fourth quarter, I found myself getting more and more involved in the game. Then, Fitzgerald of Arizona caught that pass for a touchdown with just a few minutes left and I jumped out of my chair, threw my hands in the air and yelled, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

After my premature victory dance, I sat down and started giggling. Apparently, I was rooting for a team – Kurt Warner and the Arizona Cardinals! The Bengal fan in me came alive and I felt the anxiety level rise in me as Ben tried his best to ruin this SuperBowl for me. And ruin it, he did. But, hats off to Ben and his Steelers for making the big plays at crunch time to come out on top and thanks to Kurt and his Cardinals for hanging tough and making it so exciting to watch!

Mark my words though, the Cincinnati Bengals are going to rule their division next year. ( or maybe the year after that…)

Skidding Cars...Bo or Luke Duke

I remember seeing kids – mostly boys – intentionally skidding their car in the snow while taking a simple turn on a street corner or a little more brazenly in a wide open parking lot, and thinking to myself, “silly kids…”

Well, I don’t know if it’s because the snow is there...on the ground...every. single. day for me to look at, or if I’m tired of driving so stinkin’ carefully every time I back at of my garage and drive down the road, that I just want to let loose a little, but I’ve been finding myself tempted to let my car spin out of control just a teeny tiny bit like those boys used to do.

I’ll be in a parking lot with a bunch of open space, see the slushy snow, and just want to punch it, hit the brakes, turn the wheel, and “weeeeeee!” - go for a ride. But I don’t. When I turn onto my street I just want to take it a little too fast and feel my car freak out and try to recover. But I don’t.

Until today. Today I was leaving work and I just couldn’t help myself. I made sure I was in a controlled environment – big open space – as I turned the wheel quickly and touched the brakes, then “weeee” my car did a little skid. And by little, I mean very small – petite, really. But big enough to get my rebellious juices flowing. A few minutes later, when I turned onto my street, I intentionally took a sloppy turn and felt my car slide, “Errrrrrrk!” It was fun!

I felt like the boys from Dukes of Hazard as I drove into my garage – except that I exit my car through the door, not the window. I miss Bo and Luke Duke. I remember thinking Luke was the cutey of the two, but as I look back now, I think I was blinded by the dark hair and dark eyes. For reasons I can’t rationally explain, until I was twenty one, I wouldn’t even give a blond guy a second look. Well, except for Jeff. “How did he get through?” He was like a dark blond really. No matter. He’s married with triplets now. Anyway, I only dated guys with dark hair and dark eyes. Don’t ask me why. I’m over it now.

No offense to Tom Wopat, but I need to take back the Hottie Award I gave him twenty odd years ago and give it to the cute blond one – Bo – because I was wrong, so wrong to judge them on their hair color alone. Plus, Kudos goes to Blond Bo for aging so well – sorry again, Tom Wopat!

Anyway, I sure hope the snow melts soon before I get myself into trouble. You never know when Boss Hogg or Rosco P. Coltrane will be coming around the corner….

No 'Snow Angels' Today

It has become painfully obvious to me that snow falling from the sky is going to be a regular thing around here for awhile. Here in Ohio, we’re used to getting an inch or two overnight, the sun comes out the next day, and then – poof – it’s gone. A couple weeks later, the same cycle repeats itself.

This month of January – the longest month I have ever experienced in my lifetime – has been full of snow days and nights with very little sun to melt it away. And just when I’m about to pat myself on the back for maintaining a positive attitude through it all, I experience a teeny tiny mini-meltdown when I wake up to more snow and ice.

This last Sunday, I had been working feverishly on some creative projects and lost track of time. When I walked downstairs to get myself an apple and another shot of tequila (kidding) I noticed huge, monstrous snowflakes falling fast and accumulating even faster. I ran to the sliding glass doors, pressed my nose up to the glass, and verbally rejected the snowfall – “Nooooooooo!” I had been given no warning about snow today– I never saw it coming!

I decided right then and there that I would not let these simple white flakes ( that were actually quite pretty ) deter me from getting to my spinning class. I reasoned that I would go to my class, warm up my muscles, then come home and deal with shoveling the drive and sidewalks.

Fast forward an hour and I’m returning home from the gym. As I get closer and closer to my house I realize that my sidewalk has been cleared. “What?!” I can’t believe my eyes! I live on a large corner, so there is a good long sidewalk to shovel and nobody has ever shoveled my walk but me. I slowly turned onto my street and there, in my driveway, I saw two gentlemen shoveling the snow. I pulled into my garage and hopped out of my car. It was my neighbor from across the way and his teenage son. You would have thought I had won the lottery, I was so stinkin’ happy. They said they wanted to show their appreciation for me always letting them play catch with their football in my side yard, since their yard is too small. Even though I didn’t think the two favors were comparable, I didn’t argue with the boys. I considered them my very own ‘snow angels’ and I was so excited and grateful for their kindness.

Well, this morning when I woke up at 5:00 am for my Wednesday spinning class, I peered out my window to see all the snow and ice on the ground that the newsman had predicted would fall and knew right away that my class would be cancelled. I jumped right back into bed, set alarm number two for 7:00 am, and snuggled under my covers. I drifted back to sleep, dreaming about my ‘snow angels’ coming back to magically make the snow disappear once again. It was a very good dream.

As the second alarm sounded, the first thing I thought about was my ‘snow angels’. I jumped out of bed all excited, rushed out of my room and into the guest room to peer out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of my angels. Even though I knew it was ridiculous to think that they would show up at 6:00 am to shovel my drive, I couldn’t help but feel a little droopy as I realized the truth….it was going to be Me and my shovel doing all the work today.

But then again, at least I have a shovel and two legs and two arms to use it. At least I have a warm house waiting for me when I’m done, with a fridge stocked with food to fill my belly. A small prayer goes out to all those who don’t have a warm place to call home this cold, wintery day….

President Obama

So, the Inauguration Party for President Obama was yesterday and Wow, what a spectacle! It’s very hard for me to miss out on a party and I always like to be where the optimism and hope is, but I felt conflicted about the whole thing.

I did not vote for President Obama, but the people have spoken and I respect that. As I watched all the hoopla, I found myself excited for the black community and can only imagine the excitement and pride they were feeling. The hysteria was not limited to the black community - there were people of all races and class screaming for joy as if Jesus himself, had come back to save us from the fires of hell.

I, myself stand back with guarded optimism. He projects himself as seemingly the perfect father, the perfect husband, the perfect man to solve all our problems, but so far, all he has done is get himself elected. He is a true poet and words roll off his tongue like honey, but words are words and action is action.

It’s good to see the country so excited and engaged again, but I would like to hold some of the applause and idolization until after he has actually done something. President Obama has not proven himself a great man with great accomplishments yet – he’s still just a man with inspiring words. Maybe, it shows just how desperate Americans are for a hero and he’s the one who stood up and put on the cape.

I disagree with him on some of the issues, but I hope that he surprises me and proves me wrong. I hope that all this Beatle mania is warranted and we can look back one day and see how he made important and significant changes that benefited and strengthened our country.

I pray that yesterday’s parties were not in vain. I pray that he makes us all proud.
I pray that he lives up to and beyond all the hype. But most of all, I pray that he has a change of heart where a change of heart is most crucial.

I will be praying for you, President Obama, with an optimistic heart…..