So, I went to the mall today. I don’t like the mall. I don’t like it’s energy. I prefer stores that stand on their own. But I went to the mall b/c sometimes you need new clothes and this is one of those times. I was scoping out dresses for a wedding coming up and WOW are they expensive! I tried on a few beauties, but none of them hugged my curves right. Don’t get me wrong – they hugged me – they just hugged me unattractively. Every woman in the world knows what it means to be hugged unattractively in a dressing room. Well, one of these hot little numbers wasn’t going over my head very easily and I knew that was trouble, but I pushed on. I just had to get it past my big bony shoulders and it would be fine, I told myself. Surprise, surprise, surprise….it was TIGHT! Instantly, I knew I was in a bad situation. I had been here before – several times, unfortunately.
Years ago, I had a Halloween party to attend and wearing a costume was strongly encouraged. Being creative like I am, you would think creating a costume would be easy, but my brain stalls every Halloween. So, I’m in Kohl’s, and I see this Giraffe costume. Granted, it’s in the kiddie section because it’s for a kid, but it was that cool type of costume that slid over your head and wore like a coat, where the hood is the giraffe’s head. My niece had a lion costume just like it and I had tried it on just a few weeks earlier simply to amuse her. Of course, this giraffe was one size smaller than the lion had been, but it couldn’t make that much of a difference, could it?
It could. It did. Let’s just say, I had just about come to terms with the idea that I was going to re-enact the Incredible Hulk rip-and-tear-your-shirt-off scene and pay for a destroyed giraffe’s costume, when God decided to have mercy on me and free me without harm to myself or the giraffe. Thank You, God! Believe it or not, I did find that costume in one size larger at another location, bought it, and went as the stupidest looking Giraffe to my friend’s party. I know what you’re thinking – this is why she’s single – but there were no single men at this party, so that can’t be the reason.
Several years later, while at Ann Taylor of all places, I was trying on a beautiful white blouse. It too, tried to warn me that it was too small for my frame, but I didn’t listen. And when the panic hit me this time, it was a little more intense. Somehow, I knew the degree of embarrassment would be much worse at Ann Taylor’s. As I crossed my arms and tried with all my might to tug the shirt upward, I started to sweat a little. But then, right before I called out to one of the fancy Ann Taylor ladies to have her cut me from this blouse, I felt something metal on my side – a zipper. A zipper! They put a zipper in the side of this blouse, so dorks such as me can free ourselves without any outside assistance. Praise the Lord! I love new discoveries!
But back to the mall and my current dilemma. This dress had no zipper, I wasn’t feeling God’s mercy, and it was near closing time. I told myself that I had been here before, and I had always managed to free myself, so I just needed to chill out and calm down. As the pep talk continued in my head, I twisted and wiggled and squirmed until I had successfully worked the dress right off my body – Ta Daaaa!
I would say that I’ve learned my lesson, but…….